As an experiment, I can remember that everything has a purpose, a possibility or offers something to study, then I can keep it or discard it. This includes people, interactions, experiences, and emotions.
I have stepped into an extraordinary experimental journey. Some of this journey is too familiar, some of it is all new. This is not the first time I have ventured out on my own. It is the first time doing it in my 60’s with my kids who are 2,000+miles away. It is not the first time I have felt uncomfortable with my unfamiliar surroundings; it is the first time I am seeing it as part of a bigger picture, part of a journey of stepping more into myself, accepting more of who I am and what I need to just be me, what I need to feed my spiritual questing.
My journey to Evanston has been much longer than the 5 night car trip via I-40 with Mr. H. It has been everything leading up to this: all the thinking about doing what was right, the packing of my whole house, now rented long-term, selling, throwing out, and giving away much of what I have owned, saying see you later, to friends and family and life as I have known it, because goodbye just sounds like more than the truth.
As I packed up I found myself wondering where I would be when the boxes were opened again, feeling a bit scared and excited. Mostly excited but sometimes it can be hard to feel excited about something in the future I know little about.
I know that I really don’t know anything. I work hard to fill in what I don’t know with judgments, either positive or negative and though the positive feels better, I still don’t know what it is I am doing. I know I am here in Evanston, I know my room is a room, my dog is happy to be with me, and I know that I am slowly trying on this move. I know I am back here in the land of my first 30 years of life to retrieve something or glean something.
I am trying to just let this journey learn me and work me. I am trying to just sit with and turn towards what is uncomfortable, what makes me squirm or makes me judge myself.
I am thinking about the phrase, “What if it Was Sacred”. What about allowing the things that make me uncomfortable to deepen and change me. and so become sacred. I want to be present, and be a warrior to old ideas and limiting beliefs and allow myself to be open and listen to new possibilities and ideas. I want to feel the influence of the new, and what directions it can take me.