An Experiment

As an experiment, I can remember that everything has a purpose, a possibility or offers something to study, then I can keep it or discard it.  This includes people, interactions, experiences, and emotions.

I have stepped into an extraordinary experimental journey.  Some of this journey is too familiar, some of it is all new.  This is not the first time I have ventured out on my own. It is the first time doing it in my 60’s with my kids who are 2,000+miles away.  It is not the first time I have felt uncomfortable with my unfamiliar surroundings; it is the first time I am seeing it as part of a bigger picture, part of a journey of stepping more into myself, accepting more of who I am and what I need to just be me, what I need to feed my spiritual questing.

My journey to Evanston has been much longer than the 5 night car trip via I-40 with Mr. H.  It has been everything leading up to this: all the thinking about doing what was right, the packing of my whole house, now rented long-term, selling, throwing out, and giving away much of what I have owned, saying see you later, to friends and family and life as I have known itbecause goodbye just sounds like more than the truth.

As I packed up I found myself wondering where I would be when the boxes were opened again, feeling a bit scared and excited.  Mostly excited but sometimes it can be hard to feel excited about something in the future I know little about.

I know that I really don’t know anything. I work hard to fill in what I don’t know with judgments, either positive or negative and though the positive feels better, I still don’t know what it is I am doing. I know I am here in Evanston, I know my room is a room, my dog is happy to be with me, and I know that I am slowly trying on this move. I know I am back here in the land of my first 30 years of life to retrieve something or glean something.

I am trying to just let this journey learn me and work me. I am trying to just sit with and turn towards what is uncomfortable, what makes me squirm or makes me judge myself.

I am thinking about the phrase, “What if it Was Sacred”.  What about allowing the things that make me uncomfortable to deepen and change me. and so become sacred.  I want to be present, and be a warrior to old ideas and limiting beliefs and allow myself to be open and listen to new possibilities and ideas. I want to feel the influence of the new, and what directions it can take me.


4 thoughts on “An Experiment

  1. betseyc

    I love the idea of ‘trying on this move.’ And, really, it keeps happening. I launched myself out of the life I knew almost 6 years ago now, and I can still wake up and marvel at what I’ve done, where I am, how I’m living. And by marvel I don’t mean it always feels good. There are some ‘how the hell did I get here?’ moments, even when I absolutely want to be right where I am. It’s all so interesting and mysterious, this stepping out of the
    common pool of meaning.


    1. E. Stern

      You really have been in the lead with this. Now I want to get a camper type car and keep going. I like your description of marvel. It is exactly how I feel. Today I was more with the yes, this is happening, but who knows when that will change and why and how.
      Thank you!


  2. Alice Schoenemann

    Dear Ellen. You latest post made me remember a Jan’s favourite meditation on Insight timer: Jonathan Lemann, Morning Meditation with music.
    It is based on an Einstein quote: There is two mays to live your life: Either nothing is magical or everything is magical.


    1. E. Stern

      I like it and will take a look at it. My experience is either nothing is scary or everything is scary. 🙂 And there is lots a magic in the scary. I think I’d rather be scared and find magic. A longer conversation about this.

      Liked by 1 person

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